Parenting: Communicative Problem Solving - Understanding Love

Here are the latest series of questions posed to get them thinking and understanding what real love is.

Questions:

What does it mean to love someone?

Can you love someone after seeing the once because you think they are good looking/attractive?

Can you love someone without knowing them?

If someone gives you all the things you like or want, does that mean they love you?

If you love someone, should you never correct them, tell them off, or punish them if they do wrong or haraam actions on purpose?

What would you do if someone you love keeps on doing haraam actions?

Does it change how much you love them if they keep on doing haraam actions, even though you have tried to correct them or stop them many times?

Is it easier to love people who love Allah and are obedient to Him or people who just do as they like?

Who should we love the most, and why?

Extension:

There are a couple of posts on the other blog which tie in with this exercise, and could be used afterwards as part of the learning and growing process. They can be found here and here.

What we're reading in April 2014

Here is the mix of books being read in our home this month.

Please note, we had posted the book Kaffir Boy, which comes in two versions - one with some adult content and one revised for schools. We had the version revised for schools, but have since decided to remove the book completely to ensure nobody purchases or reads the unrevised version or purchases it for their children and exposes them to anything inappropriate. May Allah guide and protect us and our families from all harm - ameen.

 

 

 

 

 

Parenting Young Adults: Marriage Questions

Once children have reached puberty, they have also reached the age of maturity in Islaam. That is a good time to start a line of questioning that will open up thinking and communication lines regarding their future life.

Marriage is a huge part of their future, so it is important to discuss the subject openly. As we have girls, these questions were presented and then the answers given to their father, who sat down and had a private one-on-one talk about the subject. He went through the questions one by one, discussing, expanding, correcting if the mindset was wrong, and providing guidance and advice. Why the father? Because he is the one who will have to seek out a suitable husband.This can easily be used for males as well. After the initial discussion, it can be used as a springboard to teach and drive home certain points or aspects that need to be considered and understood.

• When does she/he want to get married?
• What does she/he need to do in order to get married?
• What Islamic knowledge must she/he have in order to get married? 
• Why should someone want to marry her/him? What does she/he have to offer?
• When should she/he start preparing for marriage?
• What are her/his husband's/wife's rights?
• What are her/his rights?
• How will she/he prepare for marriage?

Having young adults realistically contemplate marriage has various psychological effects. It can make them realize that they need to start preparing immediately, making changes, being more responsible, improving their character, and correcting their bad habits. After all, any prospective spouse will be asking about them from various sources and they will surely want everyone to have positive things to say. In addition, it can turn the otherwise "floating" young man, unclear and uninterested in choosing a career or educational area of focus, into an ambitious, focused go-getter. The prospect of marriage makes the need for money to set up a home, take care of a wife and eventually a family, etc. a reality that needs to be addressed. The prospect of marriage is a great motivator for improvement all around, maashaa Allah.

Parenting: Muslim Police Force

How many of you are trying to remind your children to use the appropriate dua' for the different day-to-day activities? Well, here is an idea you might like to implement that is fun and educational.

Set up your own Muslim Police Force.

Make police badges for each Officer, for example:

Bism'Illah Officer
Al hamdul'Illah Officer
Bathroom Dua' Officer
Bedtime Dua' Officer
Post Adhaan Dua' Officer
Prayer Time Officer

Basically, choose whatever titles you want to have and need to teach/implement in your home. Then assign the badges to each family member for a week. Each person is in charge of reminding all the others to say the appropriate dua' at the specified time. So, Bism'Illah Officer will make sure everyone says it before eating, Bedtime Dua' Officer will go around ensuring everyone says their bedtime dua' before sleeping, etc. As the weeks go by and the officer's rotate roles, it will give everyone an opportunity to reinforce the daily dua' and also when things seem well established, new Officer roles can be created to add to the dua. The dua' for putting clothes on, the dua' for leaving the house, the dua' for the traveller, etc. Masha'Allah, the beauty of it is that for the younger ones, it can be a very simple one word thing and for the older ones something longer that they can teach others.

I never forget how the children would all ask each other, "Did YOU say bism'Illah?" before eating, LOL. It was like a police inquiry and it gave me this idea. You could even authorize them to issue tickets for offenders, LOL!

The Healing Scents of Nature

Without repeating the same information that anyone can find on the Internet regarding the dangers of  artificial fragrances, we have eliminated such things from our home and lives maashaa Allah. This paragraph provides a brief summary of why.

"Synthetic musks, for instance -- widely used in perfumes, deodorants, and detergents -- have been linked to cancer. They can bioaccumulate, or store themselves in the body, and have been found in breast milk, which means that nursing infants ingest them. Research indicates that these musks don't biodegrade; they've been found polluting watersheds and the plants and animals that live there. Another worrisome class of chemicals, phthalates, are often used in fragrance because they allow the smell to last longer. They have been linked to changes in the reproductive and endocrine systems as well as in the liver, kidneys, and adrenal glands."

( http://www.wholeliving.com/133573/replacing-your-artificial-fragrances)

So for laundry we use ground soap nuts, which smell rather like pineapple, and grated Castille soap, which has only natural essential oil and plant extract fragrances. We wash with Castille soap, unscented or scented with essential oils. We make our own shampoo, boiling herbs suitable for our specific hair type, color, and condition, and using complimentary essential oils. We make all our own dishwashing liquid and household cleansers, using essentials oils of lemon, orange, or lime for grease-cutting properties and fresh scent. We also make our own toothpaste using essential oils.

Have you noticed a common ingredient in most of those things listed above? Yes, essential oils! So, when it came to finding a healthy and beneficial replacement for personal fragrances, we automatically started looking at natural essential oil blends. To start off, I ordered this set for hubby.

We have since seen this lovely set as well:

  

These blends were the perfect way to transition to natural scents without going through a lot of trial and error coming up with our own concoctions. The blends can be chosen on any given day or occasion for their therapeutic properties. For example, when hubby wants to feel energized, he puts on Energy and when he has a potentially stressful day ahead, he puts on Tranquility or Relax. Once these blends proved themselves to be a wonderful replacement for the synthetic fragrances, it gave me confidence to start making my own blends with similar base notes. I ordered a wider range of organic essential oils from Mountain Rose Herbs and the Amber and Aphrodite oil blends for hubby for Eid.

Of course, in the long run, once we grow our own herbs, plants, and trees, we plan to distill our own essential oils, inshaa Allah. It is actually an easy process with fairly simple equipment maashaa Allah. In the meantime, we will make flower waters and infusions, inshaa Allah.

Parenting: Communicative Problem Solving - Letters of Apology

As a follow-up to the last problem solving exercise, Exposure to Haraam, which elicited excellent responses maashaa Allah, we had a session the following day where letters of apology were written. The children wrote letters of apology to each person they felt they had negatively influenced or harmed in some way. It was also a time for parents to apologize for any failings or errors on their part.

This is not only a healing strategy, but also an expository one. It enables parents to see how each child understands the extent their actions affect others. For example, do they realize that disobeying parents or talking back is modelling haraam to their siblings? Do they realize that it isn't just necessary to apologize to their younger siblings if they modelled something wrong, but possibly to their older siblings. As disobedience and disrespect of parents is a major sin, they may also have to apologize to their parents.

Why else is this vitally important? Because they must have the correct ingredients for tawbah (repentance) to be accepted. There is no sincere and accepted repentance without regret for one's actions and trying to make amends to those one has hurt or oppressed.

Parenting: Communicative Problem Solving - Exposure to Haraam

This is the second in the series of parenting questions to bring about mutual understanding, opening lines of communication and critical thinking. The sequence of the questions was important, to ensure certain concepts were in place before the situation was presented for problem solving. This particular exercise is an excellent way to gauge your children's understanding of the key concepts of morality, the strong influence of shaytaan, the ripple effect, and aspects of love.


Parenting Question #2:

If you see haraam things like people smoking, drinking alcohol, dancing at mixed parties, naked men and women, pornography, etc. can you ever forget it?

Is it good or bad to see such things? Why?

If you learn to do haraam actions, is it easy or hard to stop? Why?

Would it be better if you never saw of learned haraam things? Why?

If you show someone else something haraam, or teach them to do something haraam, what are you doing to them? What will learning and doing those wrong things do for them? What will teaching those wrong things do for you?

Are you showing them you love them by doing that?

If your parents tell you to steal candy bars from Walmart while waiting in the checkout line, and they know it is haraam, are they loving you? Why?

Your children, Tahir, Tahirah, and Tahaarah play together a lot. Tahir shows his little sisters nearly naked people on the computer. Tahirah shows Tahir and Tahaarah how to sing and dance to street rap music and different curse words she's heard on the street. What will you do about this?

Extension:

If the answer is too simplistic, like, "I will tell them off," then the extension will provoke a more realistic response.

Beyond telling them off, which isn't working, what can you do to correct their behavior? How can you get them to learn self-control and model good behaviors to each other?